


Brienne of Tarth's Diary

by LadyKeladry



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-02
Updated: 2013-06-02
Packaged: 2017-12-13 18:18:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/827345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyKeladry/pseuds/LadyKeladry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The #1 Westerosi Romcom</p>
            </blockquote>





	Brienne of Tarth's Diary

**Author's Note:**

> The characters belong to George R.R. Martin and the rest was shamelessly copied from Helen Fielding's Bridget Jones columns - I own literally nothing in this fic.

**Monday, 1 January**

Ugh. Last thing on earth I feel physically, emotionally or mentally equipped to do is go to Catelyn and Eddard's in Winterfell. But last August when I was outside, perfecting my swordsmanship skills, dad came by and asked me out of the blue, "You will be coming to Catelyn and Eddard's welcoming feast for the king on New Year’s Day, stweetling, won't you?"

"Ah. Actually I..." panicked wildly. What could I pretend to be doing? "Think I might have to work on New Year's Day. You see, I’m in Renly’s Rainbow Guard now and as a knight I need to train very hard every day, so I stay in top form."

"That doesn't matter. You can come up after your training. Oh did I mention? Tywin and Joanna Lannister are coming and bringing Jaime with them. Do you remember Jaime, stweetling? He's one of these top-notch knights of the kingsguard. Single. It doesn't start till 8.”

"Dad, I've told you. I don't need to be fixed up with..."

"Oh don't be silly, stweetling."

It's been more or less constant artillery ever since. "Of course you remember Tywin and Joanna! They came over when we were living on Tarth, and you and Jaime played in the courtyard! He's just back from Casterly Rock."

Then, next time, "Do you remember Jaime Lannister, stweetling? Joanna says he works all the time and he's terribly lonely. Guess what? He's coming to Catelyn’s welcoming feast for the king."

I don't know why dad didn't just come out with it and hiss, "You are going to shag Jaime Lannister at the feast aren't you? He's very rich."

 

**Tuesday, 2 January**

I did go to Catelyn and Eddard’s feast after all, and it turned out to be as embarrassing as I had expected it to be. Being set up with a man against your will is on one level of humiliating, but being literally dragged into it by Catelyn Stark’s hand, watched by a room full of friends of your father is something altogether.

The rich Jaime Lannister was standing with his back to the room staring into the heath fire.

"Jaime!" said Catelyn, "I've got someone nice for you to meet." He turned round, looking at me with an extremely irritating snooty expression suggesting he just could not be arsed.

"Jaime, this is Lord Selwyn’s daughter Brienne," said Catelyn. "Brienne is one of Renly’s chosen seven knights in the Rainbow Guard."

“You and six other girls, eh?” he said, fixing his cold green eyes on me, which made me blush, much to my dismay.

"Well, I'll leave you with the young lady. It must be nice for you, having this whole evening off of your kingsguard duty. I expect you're sick to death of seeing the same old knights day after day."

"Not at all," said Jaime, brusquely in a way that suggested he certainly wouldn't be any less sick to death of me. At which Cat, after rolling her eyes, abandoned us to a hideous silence.

“If you’ll excuse me, I need to have a word with my sister,” Jaime said, half nodded then headed off towards the king and queen, leaving me standing on my own, while everybody stared at me thinking "So that's why Brienne isn't married - she repulses men."

Jaime Lannister didn't speak another word to me for the rest of the evening which was frankly neither a great loss nor insult as he seemed to be doing his best to avoid speaking to anybody but his sister. In the end Catelyn was so desperate that the second I got within 4ft of Jaime she threw herself across the room and tinkled, "Oh Jaime, Brienne will come with Renly’s men to King’s Landing next month, then you two can get in touch again."

I couldn't stop myself turning bright red, feeling the heat climbing up my neck.

"I'm sure Brienne's life in King’s Landing is quite full enough already," he said, not particularly graciously, and turned back to his conversation with his sister. Rude pompous git!

 

**Tuesday, 20 February**

Arrived at King’s Landing for King Robert’s tourney. The feast at the first day got off to a bad start. Felt out of place (as usual) when I spotted Ser Loras Tyrell talking to Ser Guyard Morrigen. Approached with confidence but Loras just carried on talking and ignored me.

Cunningly pretending I had not intended to join Loras at all, I hovered towards Eddard Stark. Suddenly noticing he was talking to Randyll Tarly, I began to sidle away terrified, at which Tarly said in a superior voice: "Did you want something, Brienne?"

"Ah! Yes!" I said, panicking wildly as to what I could possibly want. "Ahm..."

"Yeees?" Stark and Tarly looked at me expectantly.

"Do you know where I may find the privy?" I blurted. Damn! Why? I saw a faint smile hover over the thin lips of Randyll Tarly then suddenly realised who the third person in the group was: Jaime Lannister.

"Ah. Over there. Jolly good. Thanks," I said, diving for the exit.

Jaime bloody Lannister. Just what I needed to make this day even worse. I was standing at the top of the stairs, hyperventilating, thinking "Inner poise, inner poise", when the doors swung open and Hyle Hunt emerged.

"Brienne, my Beauty!" He tried to kiss me, but I backed away.

"Stop that!" I said, wishing Hyle wasn't quite so attractive when you found yourself alone with him. When I had first joined Renly, most of his followers had been wary of a female knight. But Hyle had been nice to me, friendly, more than that: he had courted me. And I had found myself falling in love with him, his gentle brown eyes and easy smile. Until I heard that Hyle had a bet going on, that he could get me into his bed within a fortnight.

“I saw you sneaking away and thought you and I could go have a private feast in my chambers," he murmured.

I stared at the floor, blinking frantically. I had tried so hard to avoid him these last few weeks, telling myself that I had only imagined feeling something for this man. And yet here I was, trembling with lust at the thought of agreeing to his suggestion.

"Come on, Brienne," he whispered seductively, brushing my cheek with his finger, "Can’t you forget about that stupid bet? You know it only started out that way, but then I developed real feelings for you. I've missed you so much, my Beauty. Come on.”

“I need to go polish my sword for tomorrow’s tourney,” I blurted, turning away and running to the safety of my own chambers while Hyle’s laughter rang behind me.

Bloody Jaime Lannister! Insufferable Hyle Hunt! I ought to leave the Seven Kingdoms just to get away from those two. I wonder if Daenerys Targaryen has a vacancy in her Queensguard...


End file.
